I've been pondering...

I try to keep this blog on the light side. I know we have enough to worry and think about and stress over in this life of ours, so I concentrate on making this one place you can come for a good dose of fluff and nutters.

But every once in a while, I find the self-examining, incredibly philosophical part of me obsessing over something I want to share here. This is one of those times. I hope you will occasionally indulge me. Rest assured this blog will not turn into whine-whine-sob-sob, blah blah blah. Well, maybe the blah blah blah part, and occasionally a whine or two. And maybe even the once-in-a-blue-moon sob. But not very often.

(Feel free to flip channel now or go get a cool drink from the fridge).

I have been obsessing over letting go. My Ali word for the year is RELEASE. Release, as in letting go of possessions, expectations, habits and anything else that is not improving my life or making the world a better place.

In some areas, this is easy -- letting go of books I've read and will never read again, releasing goals that I've held onto just for looks, dropping resentments I've held against my husband for leaving me over and over as he jets around the world (this past week has helped with that tremendously!).

What's harder for me is releasing HOPE. I'm nothing if not extremely persistent and perpetually optimistic. But when does my desire for something obscure a larger message that what I want is just not meant to be? In other words, can my longing for something and my eternal optimism cloak the fact that what I'm longing for is not going to happen?

That's hard.

I must sound like I'm talking from the fourth dimension... I don't mean to! Let me give you an example. There's someone I'd like to be closer with. I've contacted her numerous times for get-togethers, and for one reason or another, they never come to pass. When I encounter her, she always seems happy to see me and will even suggest an outing or date in passing... but when I attempt to firm things up, once again, it doesn't pan out (kids sick, work, let's do it next weekend, etc. etc.)

For a long time, I kept suggesting things. But then yesterday (don't ask me why it took so long -- Like I said, I can be blindly optimistic and/or determined), I realized I've been suggesting things FOR OVER A YEAR and never once have we done anything.

Duh. Call me a slow learner.

I get it now. It's not going to happen.

For whatever reason, she doesn't want me as a closer friend right now.

And I have to ACCEPT that and RELEASE any other expectations.

And that hurts.

Mostly because while I love people, I am so guarded about my free time that there are rarely occasions when I'm wililng to forego family time to spend it with someone else. And to find someone -- and then not to have that desire returned -- ouch.

A year, I get it. But what if it was a week? Or a month? What if you want something that isn't happening and maybe it's a test to see if you REALLY want it and you don't want to quit too soon when the payoff was just around the next corner?

How do YOU know when it is time to throw in the towel on a relationship (or hope of one), a dream, a goal?

If something doesn't happen easily, does that mean it's not "supposed" to happen? (I know the answer to that one).

And if struggle is part and parcel of life, how do we know when it's futile struggle vs. knuckle-down-and-show-how-much-you-want-this-or-I'll-give-it-to-someone-else struggle?

Hmmmm.

Thoughts, anyone?

I now return you to your regularly scheduled ScrapHappy.

Comments

[robindiane]

I understand. It does hurt and then you wonder what is wrong with yourself. I had a best friend that we were close and at one point roommates then our lives took different paths. It really hurt me to know she still kept in contact with her other best friend (who lived in another state)but I was dropped liked a hot potato. It has been almost a year since we spoke last. It took awhile to accept that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I think the last straw for me is when she told me what time was best to call her. It was early morning when she was on her way to work. And it was not a good time for me because I was a new mother trying to juggle a new baby and work. Anyway, I am rambling now. But I do understand!

[Sister Diane]

You know, I've had that very experience - two times. And it IS painful when you're protective of your free time. The relationships you choose to pursue then become more significant, and rejection more painful.

I try not to take it personally, as everyone lives a busy life and some people just run out of room on their dance card. Some people have real social anxieties, too - and while they might really like the idea of getting together, when the appointed time comes, their fears drive them into the last-minute excuses.

You might try releasing your own actions toward creating a deeper interaction with this person, but remain hopeful that she might find herself with more time/inclination sometime down the road, and take the first steps herself.

That said, I think that anybody who isn't spending lots of time hanging out with you is crazy. I've personally found it to be so very worthwhile! :-) XOXO

[katie scott]

i think you just have to go with your gut. the gut is almost always right. really. but you have to listen to the gut. good times to listen are while you are driving alone in your car (turn off the radio) and your gut will start speaking. another good time is to sleep on something and think about it a little bit before you go to sleep and in the morning your gut will have an answer for you. and another good time is when you are telling someone else about the situation (especially if the other person is a good listener - ie. they don't say much & let you do most of the talking), your gut will come out loud and clear. another thing i think to be true is that if its just too hard, sometimes it means its not meant to be, especially in personal relationships. but with dreams, like writing a book or running a marathon, well i think those things just are hard and that if they weren't hard then everyone would do them and they wouldn't be as special. hope everything works out for you, i know it will. p.s. if i lived in california, i'd totally meet you for a cup of caffeine at starbucks :)

[katie scott]

i think you just have to go with your gut. the gut is almost always right. really. but you have to listen to the gut. good times to listen are while you are driving alone in your car (turn off the radio) and your gut will start speaking. another good time is to sleep on something and think about it a little bit before you go to sleep and in the morning your gut will have an answer for you. and another good time is when you are telling someone else about the situation (especially if the other person is a good listener - ie. they don't say much & let you do most of the talking), your gut will come out loud and clear. another thing i think to be true is that if its just too hard, sometimes it means its not meant to be, especially in personal relationships. but with dreams, like writing a book or running a marathon, well i think those things just are hard and that if they weren't hard then everyone would do them and they wouldn't be as special. hope everything works out for you, i know it will. p.s. if i lived in california, i'd totally meet you for a cup of caffeine at starbucks :)

[bcre8uv]

What is up with this person?? Let's t.p. her house! :P

~T.

[Kylie]

This is sad to admit, but this happens to me ALL THE TIME. I move to a new place and I meet someone and they say, we should meet for coffee and I say yes (thinking, yay, now I have a new friend) and nothing ever gets firm. I've taken initiative now and when someone says, let's meet for coffee I immediately whip out my calendar and say, "When? Is Friday good for you?". So far, it's worked for the short term, but after that first coffee they usually don't suggest it again. That's helped me to let go. For women the "Let's get together sometime" is the same as the dating "I'll call you".

So to make a long story short, I can move on after that first coffee because it's made clear then.

[Deena]

Oh, wow. It's never easy to realize that someone doesn't like you as much as you like them. It's just important to remember all the people who DO choose to spend their time with you. It's easy to get lost in feeling hurt, but be grateful for the amazing people around you.

[amymarie78]

If and when you figure out the secret of true release... please share! There are somethings in life that it's just to hard to let go of for one reason or another... and that doesn't make you slow or me either for that matter.

[stephanie]

Lainie...let go, and let GOD do his work. If you are worrying about it, you are not praying enough...that is all you can do.
Be there if and when the time comes, but keep living that lovely life of yours, with those who are most important, your family. Unfortunatly, friends come & go, we have all experienced it at one time or another (it is like divorce sometimes....) Just keep doin what you are doin by filling all of us with your ScrapHappy-ness! We all love you.
If Elroy were here, I am sure he would say, "Every-ting gonna be alright, mon"
love you...
s.

[BethBG]

Lain, I've been where you are and it does hurt. Let it go and who knows what might happen in the future? We never know what's going on in someone else's life and her reluctance to get together may have nothing to do with you personally. But know that if I lived in your neighborhood, I wouldn't turn down an invitation to hang out with you! Hugs! XX's BethBG