While you were sleeping...

You don't say...

"There are only two kinds of people in this world -- those who are alive and those who are afraid." (Rachel Naomi Remen, My Grandfather's Blessings)

Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen's two books (Kitchen Table Wisdom and My Grandfather's Blessings) are two of the most powerful books I've ever read. Dr. Remen works with terminally ill patients and has gleaned wisdom from their experiences and her own (she suffers from Crohn's disease). She conveys these lessons with insight, brevity, clarity, and tenderness. Amazing.

I'd like to think that I've let go of so much that's holding me back... fear, mainly. But when I think of all that I don't do because I'm scared, I think, "I've got a long way to go."

I'm scared of so many things still. Looking foolish. Failing. Succeeding. Not knowing what I want. Knowing what I want and not being able to get it. Knowing what I want, getting it, and then still not being happy. Being alone. Being in crowds... the list goes on and on.

I don't want to die never having fully lived. I feel that clock ticking, yet I still hold myself back.

What if fear weren't in my range of emotions? What if I knew I could do whatever I tried -- or better yet, that I wasn't afraid of how things turned out because I knew I could handle it, whatever the result? Now that would be truly liberating.

What are you going to try this week that you're afraid of?

I'm going to write something new. An essay. Something I haven't done for a long while. Something that may or may not have a future. Either way is okay by me. Because I can handle it.

Close...

...Yet so far away!

As you probably know, I am a huge mystery fan. I love a good mystery, and if it's funny, all the better. With that in mind, it's no wonder that Janet Evanovich is one of my favorite authors. Few mystery writers do the whole humor-with-a-crime thing better than she does.

So imagine how psyched I was when I read that she was coming to San Jose! And how much more excited I was when I pulled into the appropriate Costco parking lot (on the right day and at the right time, which if you know me is a miracle in and of itself...) and the lot was NOT packed to the gills with Stephanie Plum fans waving giant Cheez Doodles. I had feared that it would be a complete madhouse, but I was pleasantly surprised at the modest turnout. Or so I thought.

So imagine how bummed I was to get into the Costco, book in hand, and wait and wait in a 300-person line for 45 minutes and MOVE NOT ONE INCH. I kid you not -- we did not budge. And seeing as there were 150 people in front of me, I figured I was not getting out of there anytime soon.

Now I love to meet authors. But even I have my limits. I mean, I'd wait in line for several hours to get a photo with Harrison Ford (pre-midlife crisis and pre-earring and pre-Calista), but I couldn't do it. So I left. And I felt really bad about it.

But it also made me realize that when I am famous and doing book signings, I will think of a better process. I will at least make sure that people can SEE me while they're waiting in line. And that there's entertainment of some sort. And plenty of chairs.

Just something to make a note of for the future.

Quote Unquote

Oh my goodness, this is a good one!

"God told me, 'Your'e the only one who can do anything about being too busy. I'm not making you do all that stuff.'" (Joyce Meyer, How to Hear from God)

Does that strike home for you as much as it does for me? OUCH!

I fill my days with all these "worthy" pursuits, thinking I can earn my way to redemption... when in actuality that's not the way it works at all. God doesn't want me to be miserable, weighted down with so many to-do lists and action items that I don't have time to love, to think, to learn and grow. God wants me to have fun! To enjoy being alive! To follow my passions! To have time to talk to him/her and actually listen for the answer! Imagine that.

You know, every time I've prayed for guidance, asked God to tell me what I should be doing to fulfill his/her will, I get one answer over and over again: It's not what you do, it's the way that you do it. My God doesn't care if I choose the blue shirt or the red one. My God doesn't care a lot about the details. My God is a "big picture" kind of God, not a micromanager. My God wants me to choose a path that keeps my heart open, that gives me time to think and grow, and that fulfills me. If I'm coming to life with an open spirit and a generous soul, I don't think S/He cares all that much where I land.

Photo time and a contest!

I'm behind on posting photos because it's such a pain in the rear. But anyway. Here are a few catch-up items:

1. Click here and here to see the Fairytale ATC I did for Amy's swap. We also included a decorated envelope. I had such a blast doing these. Bummer item: I forgot to make one for myself. Duh.

2. Click here to see a new scarf I just completed. (Note: If your initials are MH and you are attending CKU this week, DO NOT click on the link or you will spoil your surprise!).

3. Here is the loot I scored from my buddy Robyn. I think she feels guilty about giving me bronchitis. Hehehehe. She sent me such terrific stuff... yarn, notepads, pens, stickers, rub-ons, DVDs, a photo frame, postcards, tea, post-its, collage items, and more, more, more! Gosh, I love that girl. :)

4. A sock I am working on from Vintage Socks by Nancy Bush. It's supposed to be one of the easier socks, but I made a critical error by forgoing the written directions and making mine a bit larger to account for gauge... and I forgot to write down critical items like how many stitches I increased in casting on, etc. Der.

5. And finally, my entry in Tia's Transportation Journal. The assignment was to use the next letter (in my case, B), and decorate the page based on that letter. I decided "Boat" was too easy, so I went for "Balloon." The journaling reads: "I watched them drift over the countryside and I longed to set myself free."

AND NOW FOR THE CONTEST...**A cool prize for the first person to guess the correct fairytale I based my ATC upon -- leave your entry in the comments section!

UPDATE: CONGRATULATIONS, MOKI!
She was the first to name the Emperor's New Clothes... Leslie came in one minute later... I think both of them deserve a prize! Send me your mailing address and I'll get you a goody!

Yo ho

Coops just told me to get off my slacking bum and post on my blog! Sorry about the delay. Life, you know???

This week is one of my favorite times of the whole year. Why, you might ask? Is it the Nordstrom Twice Yearly Sale? Is it Sweeps week on TV? Is it because the kids are out of school? No, no and no. If you know anything about me, you know I: A. Hate department stores, B. Don't get TV reception and C. Would not be jumping for joy that my kids are on my hands 24/7 (at least, not after the first 48 hours). So, what could it be?

It's Vacation Bible School at our church.

Four years ago, as a newcomer to the church, I was asked to write the skit for VBS. It was supposed to be funny, slapstick, the sillier the better, with a good message. 10 minutes a day for 6 days. Whew. A tall order, but I put my mind to it, said a little prayer, and got to work. The end result was, by all accounts, a smashing success. I didn't get a Hollywood contract, but I had a great time. And ever since, I've written and acted in the VBS skit. Last year I was the evil Dr. Dred. This year? Part of the Extreme Makeover Style Squad.

It's fun. It's silly. It's a chance to indulge my inner diva. And I love it. I love performing, hearing the kids laugh, and hanging out with some great folks. It's so amazing that I am not even bummed (well, not that bummed) that I had to miss CKU-SJ this week. And that I had to turn down an all-expenses paid trip to Whistler for "work."

So if I'm not around a lot this week, you'll have to forgive me. And if you want my autograph, just stand in line with the rest of the "little people." ;)

Enjoy

"I should like to enjoy this summer flower by flower..." (Andre Gide)

This quote tells me to slow down, to look at things one by one. To take a breath. To take the time to see the results of my actions and words before I move on.

Why is it so hard to slow down? Why is it so hard to let things go (meaning, let them go out of my life)? Why do I want to fill every moment... and when I do have a spare second, I FILL it with... SOMETHING. Shopping. Reading. Cruising online sites. Tortilla chips (haha!).

Why is it hard to just BE?

The seconds are becoming minutes are becoming hours are becoming days are becoming years... what am I becoming?

Take a breath. Take another. Don't move from where you are right now. Listen. Be. Feel. Imagine. Dream.

ATC SWAP!

Remember those days of E-Z-Bake Ovens, hand-sewn Barbie wardrobes, paint-by-numbers sets and potholder looms? Don't lose those memories... put them to good use in our GET SMART GIRLS ATC swap, which the oh-so-talented Carlene and I are hosting.

The details:

Each participant will create five ATCs (please, stick to the standard size of 2-1/2 by 3-1/2) and send them to the coordinators by August 7. Use the theme "GET SMART GIRLS" but work it anyway you want to! Follow the muse... have fun!

Please also include a SASE with two $.39 cent stamps. (International participants -- contact us for info).

In exchange for your cards, you will receive five ATCs in return.

Got any questions? Let us know! Sign ups are open until 6/30, so tell a friend --- or two!

Back from the Grave

I thought I was a goner there for a while. I tell you, I haven't been so sick for years! I went back to the doctor yesterday (for the 3rd time!) and the diagnosis was bronchitis (which I am sure I caught from Coops in Canada -- hahaha!). She put me on heavy-duty drugs and I am feeling somewhat human today. Not completely, but much, much better.

So... updates! I got an assignment from Scrapbook Answers! How psyched am I?  If I didn't feel like absolute kaka, I'd be dancing around my office like an oompa loompa on speed. If you have not yet checked out this mag, do so! It's pricier than your typical scrapbook magazine, but that's because you get a really coolio CD full of video clips, free fonts, and other fun goodies. LOVE IT.

Another update... Here's the awesome present I got from my secret pal!

Click on it to see a larger pic, but there is GORGEOUS yarn in my favorite colors, the cutest stitch markers I've ever seen (shaped like llamas!) and a needle gauge, which I did not have but needed. She also sent me a box of pretzels shaped like letters which I would photograph but has already been devoured. How great is she??? THANK YOU, SP!!!

One other item of general (??) interest... click here to see a pic of the altered letters I wrote about a few days ago. I'm teaching this class on June 14. The one in the photo is for my dad for father's day. Covered a "B" (his name is Bill and the grandkids all call him "Ba") in dad paper, added ribbons and a clip to a pic of him with Callie. Tres cute!

Quote Unquote

"All I know is...
...You can get there from here.
You can.
You can walk through the fear.
Travel past what is gone before.
Wake up!
Wake up and get up on the other side.
Dare to become that of your dreams. Dare!
Dare to believe in your own possibility."

-Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey

I tried to find a site for Mary Anne R-H, but was unable to, though she appears to be quoted quite often on other people's sites!

Some days, this is what I need to hear. That it is all possible. That I don't have to be practical and logical. That it's okay to dream big and live big and want big... not to want the next step, but to want the whole tamale.

What I'm struggling with is that my concept of what I dream of is in bits and pieces, an image here, a thought there, a snippet of poetry or a few lines of a song somewhere else. I'm trying to develop a way to gather all these elements together to create a vision of what I want, something that's more concrete and less ephemeral.

Maybe the key is also to figure out what I DON'T want.

I don't want to deal with the brakes on my car.
I don't want to hear the dog next door barking all day and all night.
I don't want my kids to see life as scary or threatening or unsafe.
I don't want to cough anymore.
I don't want call waiting.
I don't want to feel boxed in by "reality."
I don't want to be ashamed or embarrassed of who I am.

What don't you want?

In the medicine chest

I feel like some kind of pharmacist, I tell ya... I am currently taking:

-Albuterol inhaler
-Some kind of asthma inhaler
-Claritin
-Antibiotics
-Prescription cough medicine

Plus the normal odds and ends that inhabit my medicine chest.

Besides the trips to the dr. and the emergency clinic over the weekend, and several days spent dozing on and off, some good things happened this weekend... Kinsey got her purple belt in Tae Kwon Do! This is actually good and bad. Good because she's on her way to her black belt, and we are so proud of her! Bad because I promised her that when she reached purple, yours truly would begin TKD lessons again... purple is where I stopped when I got knocked up with the wee one a few years back. So I'm pulling my sparring gear out of the closet and getting ready for some sweating!

Another fun thing -- Saturday night, I was so sick of sitting in the house all day that we packed everyone up and headed to Santa Cruz, which for you non-Californians is a beach town about 20 miles west of us. We got there at 8, just in time for all the rides to shut down on the boardwalk. But no worries, the sea aire was making breathing easier for me, and we just hung out on the beach and watched the sun go down while the kids ran up and down the sand. Now, you West Coasters know that the water in Northern CA, even this time of year, rarely tops 68 degrees or so... so the kids didn't go in. But it was still fun to watch them tear up and down, chasing the waves and getting chased back. It was one of those times when the world stops spinning so fast and you can just breathe in (somewhat wheezily) and say, "YES! THIS IS IT!"

Wish I had those moments more. Well, actually, wish I NOTICED those moments more. That's what I'm trying for this week -- to slow down and SEE. Care to join me!