I try to keep this blog on the light side. I know we have enough to worry and think about and stress over in this life of ours, so I concentrate on making this one place you can come for a good dose of fluff and nutters.
But every once in a while, I find the self-examining, incredibly philosophical part of me obsessing over something I want to share here. This is one of those times. I hope you will occasionally indulge me. Rest assured this blog will not turn into whine-whine-sob-sob, blah blah blah. Well, maybe the blah blah blah part, and occasionally a whine or two. And maybe even the once-in-a-blue-moon sob. But not very often.
(Feel free to flip channel now or go get a cool drink from the fridge).
I have been obsessing over letting go. My Ali word for the year is RELEASE. Release, as in letting go of possessions, expectations, habits and anything else that is not improving my life or making the world a better place.
In some areas, this is easy -- letting go of books I've read and will never read again, releasing goals that I've held onto just for looks, dropping resentments I've held against my husband for leaving me over and over as he jets around the world (this past week has helped with that tremendously!).
What's harder for me is releasing HOPE. I'm nothing if not extremely persistent and perpetually optimistic. But when does my desire for something obscure a larger message that what I want is just not meant to be? In other words, can my longing for something and my eternal optimism cloak the fact that what I'm longing for is not going to happen?
I must sound like I'm talking from the fourth dimension... I don't mean to! Let me give you an example. There's someone I'd like to be closer with. I've contacted her numerous times for get-togethers, and for one reason or another, they never come to pass. When I encounter her, she always seems happy to see me and will even suggest an outing or date in passing... but when I attempt to firm things up, once again, it doesn't pan out (kids sick, work, let's do it next weekend, etc. etc.)
For a long time, I kept suggesting things. But then yesterday (don't ask me why it took so long -- Like I said, I can be blindly optimistic and/or determined), I realized I've been suggesting things FOR OVER A YEAR and never once have we done anything.
Duh. Call me a slow learner.
I get it now. It's not going to happen.
For whatever reason, she doesn't want me as a closer friend right now.
And I have to ACCEPT that and RELEASE any other expectations.
And that hurts.
Mostly because while I love people, I am so guarded about my free time that there are rarely occasions when I'm wililng to forego family time to spend it with someone else. And to find someone -- and then not to have that desire returned -- ouch.
A year, I get it. But what if it was a week? Or a month? What if you want something that isn't happening and maybe it's a test to see if you REALLY want it and you don't want to quit too soon when the payoff was just around the next corner?
How do YOU know when it is time to throw in the towel on a relationship (or hope of one), a dream, a goal?
If something doesn't happen easily, does that mean it's not "supposed" to happen? (I know the answer to that one).
And if struggle is part and parcel of life, how do we know when it's futile struggle vs. knuckle-down-and-show-how-much-you-want-this-or-I'll-give-it-to-someone-else struggle?
I now return you to your regularly scheduled ScrapHappy.